TRAPPED IN A TIME WARP
Recently I have spent some time reflecting on my life since my car crash and my journey with spinal cord injury so far. I have spoken to others over the years who have also travelled this type of journey and it has been enlightening to realise that there is a common thread that links us to such a trauma. An element of being stuck in a time warp at the time the trauma happened.
For me, having the crash happen at 18 just as I was finishing school and not yet embarking an adult life. I got trapped. Technically I wasn’t a school girl anymore and yet I couldn’t identify with an independent adult life. I moved on and kept going, survival instincts kicking in. At first it was to heal the physical but then over the years it has been the mental and emotional components that have needed to be dealt with on many levels.
SHEDDING THE LAYERS
Layer by layer the shedding has happened and my confidence has grown in my work abilities and living an independent life. I kicked some hurdles and achieved goals to prove to myself that I can still do everything, sometimes differently to the ‘norm’, but nonetheless I still did it. However, the time warp trap was always there, when it came to my love life or more importantly the way I perceived myself when it came to interacting with the opposite sex.
I could always sense that I didn’t see myself as an adult woman…always a girl. My outward appearance and maturity concealed this inner perception but my mind and ego did not ignore it and I didn’t know how to get out of it. I was not confident when it came to making the first move in meeting guys. My man radar was completely switched off. I would always justify it by saying that I had to wait till I was older, for the guys to mature that way they would see me and not the wheelchair. A good excuse at the time but in reality I needed internal work to develop some more. To become ready to believe that I am worthy and capable to give as much as I receive in an intimate relationship.
KNOCKING THE WALLS DOWN
It was an unexpected and inconceivable moment that knocked down these walls I had built around my heart. It took the right words, at the right time, by the right person to shatter the fortress and reveal a truth I had not fully acknowledged. ‘You are a beautiful woman’ – words emailed to me by a man I had met randomly on holidays who had been the one to show interest in getting to know me and making the first move.
It happened at a totally unexpected time of my life, a time when I had let go of the notion that I would ever meet someone. It shocked me to experience the feelings that went through me when I read the words ‘beautiful woman’. It was a similar reaction to what I felt when I was Taking Back My Femininity. It dawned on me so clearly that I did not see myself as a woman, even at this point, in my 40s! More than 20 years after my trauma! It was an emotional day that switched me on and allowed me to accept that someone else could see me as a woman and so should I.
THE REAL JOURNEY BEGINS
This moment back in 2013 was what started my real inner journey. I had worked on myself for many years in the background, and in actual fact I had it all already, except for the belief that this was who I am, someone worthy. My ego had built up the fear to drown out the true spirit within (The Battle of Ego v’s Spirit).
The last 4 years have been a revelation of building belief and shedding doubts, guilt and feelings of unworthiness. That moment set me up to be ready to find my true purpose in life and ultimately also find a man worthy of me. It was unexpected again but this time, at a point when I am happy with me on every level, I don’t feel the need to have someone there but it is so much nicer having them in my life and being able to share it.
The ultimate lesson I have discovered over the years is that we must first heal the physical brokenness and accept that, then we move on to healing the emotional scars. Until we do the inner work to fully accept ourselves as we are, faults and all, we cannot expect anyone else to come into our lives and love us faults and all. It’s an inside out job, we must be open and vulnerable to see everything, allow others to see it, accept it and then embrace all the abundance that comes back to us because of it.
Life is good when we get out of the time warp and travel the road of purpose and worthiness instead. This is where real life happens. It took me close to 27 years to get here but the journey has been worth every minute… and this is only the beginning… the future is exciting and I say – bring it on!